reclaiming the word "wife"

I was over at A Practical Wedding catching up on Meg's posts when I read today's (read the original post here). It's all about "reclaiming the word wife" and I just thought I'd share my own opinions on this for whoever would like to read it. My opinion might not be yours, but please remember it is my opinion and I am entitled to have it.

Before I got married I was very much the same in thinking that it was so unfair that being a "wife" usually was just another word for a stay at home mother. And for some reason, that meant something even worse. Someone who had no opinion in politics, social issues, financial obligations, etc. To me, it seemed as though the moment you say that you are a stay at home anything, the world seems to think you suddenly have given up everything you ever were before to become someone who knows how to make the perfect apple pie from scratch, miraculously knows how to sew anything and everything, drives a mini van and will always keep an orderly and immaculate house- a house with a picketed fence, a beautiful dog, and approximately 2.5 children running in the backyard.

Well don't get me wrong.

I LOVE to cook. I actually find a lot of joy in making things from scratch (and I make a really awesome apple pie). I also love to sew. Granted, I won't be making any ballgowns in the near future, but I am an artist, and when I'm not painting I love being able to *make* things. I can't find the right pillow? no problem. I'll make it. That goes into everything I do though- refinishing furniture, rewiring lamps...my mom is like that and I'm pretty sure I learned it from her. Pair that with the "refuse to give up/some people call it stubborn" attitude I got from my dad and I will pretty much try to do anything and everything myself before "giving in" and buying it.

I also love picketed fences. And I have a beautiful dog. And while I don't drive a mini van (and don't think I ever will) they are becoming a lot cooler. I mean come on, they have tables in back now! They are like mini houses themselves!

But does all of that make me a better wife than someone who can't sew? Someone who orders in dinner? Someone who prefers to go down to the bakery and buy their apple pie? No. Because that's not what being a wife is. (Let's not forget to mention that I loved all of these things before I became a wife, so honestly, it's who I am, ring or no ring)

To me, saying I am married doesn't feel nearly as important as saying I am J's wife (and that he is my husband.) It's a partnership.

Before getting married we both thought nothing would really change. We thoguht we were as close as possible. Then after we got married, everyone asked "feels the same, doesn't it?"

But it doesn't.

Being J's wife is huge to me. He's my family (as are my parents and my sister- who all mean the world to me- but it's different.) He is my best friend. Sure, I have other best girl friends, but J is the one I will tell EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to without feeling worried about being misunderstood. He is the person I know I can always count on to be in my corner, the one who supports me, loves me, and can always put me in a better mood. He comforts me, takes care of me, and feeds me soup when I am sick.

And while I knew all of that before we got married, the "huge-ness" of it hit the moment we said our vows. I actually started to cry at the "in sickness and in health part" because it finally all became clear to me. We were promising the same things in our vows. He wasn't just that person for me-by being his wife, I was that person to him. I was his rock. All the time that he was strong for me, I didn't even realize that I was also strong for him. That I was the one who listened and understood him, made him laugh, brought him soup, etc.

He takes care of me, but as his wife I take care of him as well. The love we share is something that still can choke me up when I think about it. Think about all that life has in store for us to share together.

As a wife, you're part of a unified front, of a partnership, of a bond that isn't to be broken.

I think that is what we need to focus on when "defining" the word wife. Not the activities you do after you're a wife, but instead what being a wife actually means.

A stay at home wife is no better or no worse than a wife who is an ER doctor. Just because a wife drives a mini van and attends soccer games (or any other activity), it doesn't mean she is less of a wife or a woman or that her thoughts and ideas are any less important just because she may fit a stereotype. On that same note, if someone decides they don't want to be a stay at home mom, or even a mom for that matter, it doesn't make them any less of a wife.

Instead of pointing out other wives for their life choices- I wish we'd focus on the one choice that ties us all together- that of becoming a wife. Because being a wife isn't about the cooking, the sewing, the kids, the cars, the houses, the picketed fences- it's about the bond, the love-the partnership.

Just my opinion, though. Feel free to tell me yours.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

And at the end of the day, you'll still be married

I know I promised a board, but I've decided Fridays are going to be more of a "show and tell" type of day here, and today is all about the budget.

Like most brides-to-be have noticed- or anyone who has even thought about their wedding for that matter- weddings are really really expensive. And I'm not talking platinum weddings with fireworks, but just an average wedding usually costs almost $29,000. Seriously? Most of us don't have that, and if we do, I'd like to think we are responsible enough to know that $29,000 is one serious down payment for a house, or a car... or a thousand other long term practical things. So why are people still spending this much money?

Because we are told in order to have a perfect wedding we have to.

As Whose Wedding is it Anyways tells us at the beginning of each show "you only have this one day." Well ladies (and gents) that is just ridiculous. Now don't get me wrong, I am all for this being one of the best days of your life and for celebrating it in a big way, but when did a big way mean going into debt for dripping crystals and fireworks? What happened to celebrating everlasting love and commitment? What happened to staying within your means?

In an attempt to "share the wisdom" here is some starter advice. I'll dig deeper in to specifics later, but these are just some things I think everyone needs to know.

1) Think about a reasonable date and then start to save.

After the question is popped everyone is so excited and most often dates are picked before budgets are discussed. Make sure you are giving yourselves (and your parents) enough time to save money for the wedding. A lot of time, when someone feels rushed they make hasty decisions that can cost the couple and families big time.

2) Discuss a budget and meet with anyone who is contributing to the fund.

Discuss what is important to you and your hubbie-to-be and ask what is important to the contributors. Be as open and honest (and respectful) as you can. For a lack of better words, set some ground rules. With money, there are always going to be some strings attached (what they envision for you, where they'd like it to be held, etc.) Find out what those strings are early on and you'll stay away from a lot of heart ache. It doesn't always mean you have to do everything that person wants, but it will allow for compromise. A word to you should go ahead and get familiar with!

3) Discuss together what you both would like for the wedding. Write it down.
This is the time to go crazy. Want a mountaintop ceremony where he proposed with 200 guests? How about a Bellini fountain? Write it down.

4) Get practical.

Sure you want a mountain top ceremony for 200, but will the mountain top even hold 200? Will there be facilities for 200 people? Do you remember the long hike through mud it took to get to the top where he proposed? Do you want to do that in heels? And now that you've adamantly decided to wear flats, what about your guests? :)

This is the time to look over the list and realize the feeling you want for the wedding. Do you want something more natural and eco-friendly or a black tie affair with a swing band? Your list should clue you in on this.

5) Prioritize.

You're looking at your list. You remember your budget. Now is the time to list what is most important to both of you for the wedding- what you just have to have. We really cared about music, photography and the bar so that is where we concentrated the majority of our budget. The rest we knew that I could design and make or we could do without, which takes us to number 6.

6) Think about your strengths and the strengths of those around you.

I am an artist so I took on about every DIY project I could think of- from invitations to the flowers. Not everyone is like me, but everyone has talents. Maybe someone is really into fashion and would love to be in charge of sending out wedding party accessory emails, or maybe someone doesn't feel really creative but is more than willing to come early to help string lights, set up tables, lay out linens, light candles etc. One of my favorite "day before the wedding" moments was with me and two of my best friends, Amanda and Abbey, on my parents' back porch putting together the flowers and boutonnieres. As I arranged centerpieces, Abbey wrapped and glued ribbon around springs of evergreen, and then handed them off to Amanda who tied perfect bows onto each of the sprigs. (Mind you the first thing Amanda said when she walked in was "I can't do all that artsy stuff, but I can tie one hell of a bow.") This was all going on while my mom and aunt were running around setting up for the rehearsal dinner that was going to be at my parents house that night.

Some people may have thought I was crazy to have us take on as many responsibilities as we did, but not only did we save a lot of money, we have so many more memories to cherish.

7) Take time to pick the big things, and then book them.

Really take the time to pick the big high ticket items, like the venue. It will dictate the entire feeling of the wedding. With that said, you have to look at the big picture when picking these. Make sure you know all of the restrictions and what you will have to rent/buy. I've talked to and read about so many brides who found the perfect place within their budget only to later be hit with rental fees for tents, chairs, tables, silverware, etc that put them way over budget. Take into consideration whether or not you can pick your own caterer and bring your own alcohol- two options that can really save you money. And once you find the place, read the contract again, and book it.

8) Plan. A lot.

Everyone laughed at how planned our wedding was. In addition to the wedding being almost completely planned in 3 months (our engagement was a year long) I had time lines, and mock ups of how the room was to be set up etc.** But all of the planning really paid off and kept me calm and collected throughout the whole process. I knew what needed to be done and when (like getting a marriage license), and never felt too rushed or forced to make too many last minute decisions.

9) Expect the unexpected.

Our photographer cancelled 6 months before the wedding. Luckily we found a wonderful photographer (tim at timwill.com) who was really sympathetic and worked with us and our budget and ended up being one of our favorite parts of the wedding. Things will go wrong, but you have to look for the good in every situation and make the best of everything.

10) Remember you are getting married! And to your best friend!!

I remember reading a quote from a guest post on Snippet & Ink (written by Meg from A Practical Wedding) that I think just nails this point.

"...finally, and most importantly, remember that this day is about emerging married. It’s about celebrating sharing the rest of your life with your spouse. So start now, share the planning process with them, and enjoy it. The wedding is short, what counts is the journey. "

See what I mean? That's just perfect. Cakes can fall over, dresses can get stained. You might even fumble through your vows, have your name mispronounced, or trip coming down the aisle- but at the end of the day none of that really matters. All that matters is the promise you made to one another- to love each other and be there for each other for better or worse. So surround yourself with people that you love and that love you, have a great time and smile. Because no matter what, at the end of the day, you two will still be married.

**Yes, I realize I am a very type A person

what's in a name?

via ffffound

I went through the last major parts of changing my last name to J's today and thought I'd share the steps just in case anyone else needs to go through the process! It wasn't really all that difficult, just a little time consuming.

1st - get 2 notarized copies of your marriage certificate along with your license. When you pick up your marriage license from the court house they normally give you a sheet that let's you send a check for how many you want (they are usually around $5 each) and they will mail them to your house a week or two after the wedding. Or you can also do like me, and just drive to the court house. That only took about 15 minutes and there were absolutely no lines!

2nd- With you OLD license and a marriage certificate, head over to your local social security office. Take a number, get out a magazine, and be prepared to sit anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours. The whole process only took me about 40 minutes, but if you going during a peak time (like lunch) it could take a lot longer. Once you prove who you were and who you want to be, they will get you to sign a few forms and a free new card will be on the way to your house!

3rd- Head over to the DMV. Make sure you have your old license (which you will give up) and your marriage certificate and be prepared to wait a little here too! Oh! and don't forget to get here soon! If you go within 60 days of the wedding (check that though, they may have changed the time limit) they will replace your license for free. Otherwise, you'll have to pay for your new ID.

4th- Now you need to update your passport! Don't forget that if your passport doesn't match your license, you won't be allowed on the plane- no matter how much you beg! This is why you shouldn't book your honeymoon plans under your new name either- none of your information will match! Find a post office that takes passport applications, bring a large envelope, your new license, a marriage certificate, your old passport, 2 2"x2" photos of yourself taken in front of a white or off-white background, a $75 check, and this form and they will do the rest for you. In a few weeks, your beautiful new passport will be in your mailbox!

5th- Don't forget to go to the bank, call the credit card companies, cell phone providers, utility providers, etc and make sure to update your name with them as well. some will only need your new ID, but others might need your marriage certificate (that's why I said to get 2- one has to be mailed with your passport application!)

Hope this helps everyone and happy waiting!!