Advice

wednesday wisdom- the plus one dilemma

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The “plus one” dilemma. There is a lot of controversy surrounding the idea of whether or not you should always receive a +1 with a wedding invitation so I thought I’d weigh in. Of course, since this is my blog I will be giving my personal option on the matter, but I am also going to try and explain the dilemma from the soon to be married couple’s side. Hopefully, this will give a little more perspective to those who haven’t had to deal with the wonderful world of guest lists. (Anyone pick up on that sarcasm? Good.)

Also, please remember that while I am focusing on weddings, this goes for any social celebration in which you received an invitation.

First, let’s go back about 5-8 months before you received the invitation. Imagine your friends- the newly engaged couple- sitting at a table with pen and paper ready. They’ve discussed what they hope their reception celebration will be and after working out the numbers they have decided on inviting 100 people. Max. (I picked 100 because that’s what we attempted to stick around.) Sounds like a lot right? I mean, think of your last birthday party. Most likely, 30ish people tops (well unless it was a milestone in which think of your last non-milestone birthday.)

So picture your happy friends jotting down the 100 nearest and dearest who will be in attendance. Enthusiastically, they start with family. Moms, Dads, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, and cousins- your friends are probably nearing 30-35 people.

ALMOST ONE THIRD OF THEIR GUEST LIST.

And it’s not that the happy couple doesn’t love their family, but they are just now realizing that 100 people aren’t as many people as they thought.

Now the slightly less enthusiastic couple starts listing out the “should be considered family” people. You know, the ones who helped raise them, the ones their families went on vacations with, the ones who they actually see when they visit their parents. Between the two of them, that’s probably another 30 people. Then they add the pastor/rabbi/person marrying them and their spouse/date. I mean, they are the ones who are making this whole shindig legal and common courtesy says they should be there to celebrate as well. We loved our pastors (yep. 2 of them.) and couldn’t imagine them not being there. (They were are our rehearsal dinner too!)

Anyhow, back to the head count. The now slightly tired couple has 67 people on their 100 person max guest list. No problem. That’s still 33 friend spaces.

Then the phone rings. It’s the bride’s grandmother. She heard that they were working on the guest list and was hoping that they could invite her sister (the bride’s great aunt) because it would mean so much to both of them. This is her grandmother asking. The woman who means so much to the bride, has never asked for anything besides for the couple to visit more, and here she is asking (politely) if her sister can come. “She probably won’t make it, but her and her husband might be able to, and the invitation would mean so much to them.” Did I mention the bride actually really loves her great aunt and uncle? How sweet and thoughtful they have always been to her? No? Well. They’re great people.

And did I mention the bride just received a surprise package the day before from her grandmother containing the handkerchiefs hand embroidered by the bride’s great grandmother for the bride’s “something borrowed?” Yep. That’s right. Her grandmother is an angel. A thoughtful angel who is only asking for 2 additional people.

They say of course (and thank you for the something borrowed, we promise we will visit soon!)

Total space left for friends: 31.

They add their wedding party to the list. Total friend places left- 23. Then they remember 2 are married, (21 spots left) and three of the girls are in serious relationships (18 spots left.)

They now have to discuss the +1 dilemma. They have 18 spots left for friends. That’s either 18 friends individually, or 9 friends and dates. The couple weighs the options and decides to write down everyone they’d “like” to invite and go from there.

50 friends are written down. Damn. That didn’t work.

Bride gets phone call from best friend. Her serious boyfriend can’t make it because his sister is getting married on the exact same day. Couple bummed. They love best friend’s beau. On the plus side though, 19 spots.

Hmm. Couple decides that since it’s an intimate wedding and that people will have friends there, unless they are in a serious relationship, they don’t get a “+1.”

Couple begins to feel horrible as they group their friends. (By grouping I mean, you can’t invite 4 sorority sisters from a group of 6 who are all still really close. Much like you can’t invite 2 of your 3 best friends from high school. Hence, grouping.) Then couple has to rank the groups. It’s a horrible feeling because couple loves all 50 friends and doesn’t want anyone to feel like the kid who didn’t get a friendship bracelet.

Groom-to-be brings a Kit Kat bar and a Coke to the bride when he sees her tearing up over having to “cut friends.” Couple looks at budget again and decides again, that yes, only 100 people are going to be invited.

Couple decides each of them gets 1 person that the other maybe hasn’t met (best friend moved away, etc) but the rest has to know BOTH of them well. In seconds, the 19 spots are gone, and there are still 10 people left off of the list that fit “in a group” of people who are invited.

Bride rationalizes that there is some statistic that says something like 10% of people won’t be able to make the wedding. Guest list is pushed up to 110 to include the 10 other friends. Even with the additions, 30ish friends still won’t get an invitation.

Couple is exhausted, emails guest list to parents, and goes to Dairy Queen to split a blizzard. Happily stuffed, but still a little sad and worn out, they decide to call it a night.

The next morning, calls start coming in from the families. Couple didn’t invite so and so’s best friend. What about parent’s work associates? Why do they get more people than we do? Can so and so also bring their high school aged children?  And so on.

Bride starts crying from frustration. Groom begins screening calls.

And this was all BEFORE you even received your beautiful invitation.

I cannot tell you how many friends and brides I work with that specifically address envelopes to certain family members and then have the guests RSVP with an additional +3. Or when it’s addressed to John Smith, and John writes, “we can’t wait to be there!” Everyone, please hear me when I say this: Your invitation was addressed to YOU. That means YOU are invited. Not you and friend, not you and boyfriend. YOU.

Do not call the bride or groom and ask if you can bring someone else unless you are a) married and not sure why your partner wasn’t invited or b) you’ve been dating the same person ever since you and engaged couple met and you aren’t sure why they weren’t invited.

Otherwise, you put the couple in a very awkward/emotional situation. They know whom they invited and whom they did not invite, trust me.

Now I understand how not getting a +1 can be REALLY annoying. No one wants to eat alone, travel alone, or stand by the wall because you don’t have a dance partner, but hopefully your friends wouldn’t put you in that situation and invited a lot of your friends as well (who also didn’t get a +1.) And while it used to be that if the wedding was a destination wedding, that everyone got a +1, now that’s not always the case because almost every wedding is a destination wedding for someone since most of us don’t still live in our hometowns with the same friends since birth.

So here is the take away message.

For the couples- Make a decision on “+1’s” and stick with it. Only married folks and really serious couples who have been together at least a year? Fine, but stick to that. No picking and choosing. And try to put yourself into your friend’s shoes. You will never make everyone happy, but try to be as fair as possible. Make sure those who do not get a plus one, have friends there too. Don’t purposely make people uncomfortable.

For the guests- whoever the envelope is addressed to, is who is invited. Kids/ the word family not on there? Then they aren’t invited. No “and guest?” Then you didn’t get one. I know it can suck, but remember that the guest list is their guest list and it probably took a LOT of time to make, brought about a lot of fights, and led to a lot of compromises. Do not put your friends in an awkward situation/add stress by saying you just have to bring someone. (If you are the MOH or something or are really close to the couple and feel it’s okay to ask, then take your chances; just don’t get upset if you don’t get your way.)

And remember that the couple wants you there- hence they invited you- but if the lack of a “+1” is a deal breaker to you, then you can always RSVP “no.”

Taking a moment for yourself

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isn't this bathroom beautiful?! via the city sage

Let me tell you a secret- even though I've seen the website more times than  I can count now, I still catch myself just clicking through it at least 3ish times a day. A little embarrassing, but true! Speaking of which, if you haven't seen it I would love for you to go take a look, and would love even more if you became a fan on facebook, started following on twitter (which I am still just now getting the hang of. sort of.) etc.

Last night, around 9ish, I realized that I still have 3 magazines sitting waiting for me to read.

Now to some people, that is normal, but to me I was shocked at how long it had been since they arrived the mail and I STILL hadn't even cracked them open. I'm one of those people who opens the cover the moment I pick it up from the mailbox, and don't put it down until I've read every.single.word.

These magazines were at least one week old. One might have even been 2 weeks. About this same time I realized that despite it being 9pm, I hadn't stopped working all day. Probably for the week. My husband stole me away to the pool on Wednesday and I still brought my sketchbook and ended up on the phone discussing the last minute touches of the website. Here it was 9pm, J. was at a meeting, and if I wasn't working I was cleaning, or organizing, doing laundry- doing something. I just COULDN'T sit still. It was as though I was working so hard for so long, that my body didn't know how to just relax. Which was strange since I'm normally  very good at relaxing!

So I closed my laptop- unplugged it even- turned off the tv and the lights and climbed into bed with one of my favorite magazines. I barely got halfway through before I could feel the tension melt away and sooner after I was sound asleep.

So why am I sharing this? Well I think this is something that all of us experience. Whether we're working, planning a wedding, or raising a family, we get caught up in the busyness of everyday and forget to look at the little things and find the simple joys all around us. So this is my challenge to all of you- take break this weekend. Finish up what you need to do by the end of the workday (and if you're like me and make your own hours, shoot for 5pm) and then check out for the weekend. Take a little longer making a meal you love, spend some quality time with those you love, take a bath, call a friend, read a magazine, do anything- just make sure it's something you love and something done for yourself.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

It's up to both of us.

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So I was talking to one of my friends a few days ago about engagements and how despite all of the "we're equal, yatta yatta yatta" talk many women give, when it comes to one of the MOST important decisions on our lives, we still think it's up to the guy. And by we, I don't mean all of us. I know there are plenty of couples who let go of the stereotypes and make decisions as a team, but sadly, I don't think that is the norm. In our case, I wasn't about to just sit back and let J. decide my future- nor did he expect me to decide his. Instead, we had a serious discussion about getting engaged, and while we both still wanted some of the "surprise" factor, we had a feasible time line of when we could have the wedding, how long of an engagement we wanted etc so neither one of us was completely oblivious to what was going on/just following blindly.

But like I said, that doesn't seem to be the norm.

More often than not I hear of girls who desperately want to marry their significant others, but instead of expressing that desire to them, they share it with their friends and then "hope" that he will maybe possibly propose this Christmas. Or this Valentine's Day. Or their birthday. Or their anniversary, maybe this Saturday... you get the idea. Maybe J. and I have an uncommon relationship, but I have never understood why- in this day and age- women still feel it is "wrong" to talk to your significant other about marriage.

Here are a few excuses I've heard.

Excuse #1- "I don't want to scare him."

Sweetie, this is an easy one. If he is scared by even the prospect of marrying you, then he isn't the one.

(now, if you've only spoken twice, you don't know his middle name, and you're already picking out wedding dresses, well then maybe you're right. That would scare him. Hell, that would scare me. I'm speaking of the timing being right. You're old enough, have been dating for a decent amount of time-whatever that may mean to you, need to make a life altering decision such as where to live, whether or not to take a job, go to a specific grad/med school, etc. etc.)

Excuse #2- "I want to be surprised"

Kind of valid. Some people do need the candlelit walkway, the rose petals, the hidden photographer in the bushes- but the thing is, he can still do all of that after you two have talked about marriage. Like I said, I knew that J. and I were going to get engaged soon, but had no idea how he was going to do it. But honestly, that doesn't even matter. It's not about the candles and roses- it's about the promise you are making to each other. And that my friend, should not be made in the split second he dropped to his knee. That is a decision that you two should already know the answer to because you've both already discussed the lives you want together- including the tough issues like money, where to live, children, etc. Meg mentioned once that you need to discuss divorce too, and I completely agree. If it is not an option to you, you need to talk about that. Discuss what you would do if you two felt disconnected. Would you go to counseling? Throw in the towel? These are things you should know BEFORE you say "I do."

Excuse #3 "I don't want to issue an ultimatum."

True. Ultimatums are never a good thing. If it has come to ultimatums though, maybe there is a deeper issue at hand. Nothing good comes from forcing someone to do something they don't want to- especially when that something is getting married.

With that said though, it is not an ultimatum to say that you want to spend your life with that person and want to make that promise to them, and want to know that they are on the same page. And being on the same page, also means being on the same time line. If you want to be married within a year, and they are more in the "maybe in 5 years" boat, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to compromise there. You also need to see if THEY are willing to compromise, because marriage is all about the compromises.

Then, if they are still dodging the question, refuse to give a solid answer of yes they want to or no they do not, personally I think you should seriously reflect on why that is. Because like every one of my guy friends have told me- "if a guy wants to be with you, he will." (Remember the movie He's Just Not That Into You?) And like my dad has told me (paraphrasing here) "You either want to marry someone or you don't. Either way, you just know."

And I think that is the major issue here.

Are so many of us women just waiting around in relationships, not talking about it, because we're afraid of the answer we might get? If that's the case, then you already have your answer. This isn't the 1800's. Likelihood, no one is going to show up at your door with a glass slipper that magically fits. And seriously? Would you really run off with someone you didn't know because a shoe fit? No, because that would be silly.

So ladies, let's all stop with the excuses. Decide what you want from life and be honest with one another. And after that, allow your partners to be honest with you- even if it's not what you want to hear. Talking isn't going to ruin the surprise, it won't be an ultimatum (unless you say propose to me tomorrow or I'm gone and really? that's not constructive.), and if they are the right person for you, the idea of sharing their life with you shouldn't scare them.

wanting others to be happy

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beautiful photo via peonies and polaroids

Meg wrote something in her post a few days ago that stuck with me because I think it is something EVERYONE experiences.

"... here is the key thing I learned: when people tell you they want you to do XXX, what they really mean is that they want XXX to make you happy, or they want you to be happy doing XXX. If you agree to do it, because you don't want trouble, fully knowing that XXX will make you miserable... nobody wins."

Isn't that the honest truth.

Whether we mean to our not, normally when we say things like "I just want you to be happy" when giving advice, it actually means "I want you to be happy taking my advice."

Haven't you heard this before? And I am not trying to say that it's ever meant maliciously, it's just the simple truth. People want others to listen to them and do what they think is right. Whether it's heard in wedding planning, party planning, buying a home, raising a family, dating, traveling- anything- the "I just want you to be happy/ whatever makes you happy" is just a passive way of saying "and you will be happy if you do exactly what I tell you to do." And what's worse is that no one wins with this type of statement.

If you do what you want to do, the advice giver is hurt. If you do what the advice give wants, it's normally not what you want and then you are unhappy. It's a lose/lose. So here is my take on it. Be a grown up and live a life that makes you truly happy.

Whether you are trying to decide on what flowers (or if any flowers) at your wedding, whether or not to take the plunge and actually follow your dreams to a new job/city/love, or simply deciding on what to do this weekend, listen to your heart, follow it, and then accept any consequences that come your way. (and in listening to your heart, you really have to listen. you can't just be stubborn and refuse to ever compromise simply to have your way.)

Because the truth is, you can NEVER make everyone happy all the time, but you always have the choice to make yourself happy.

*and remember next time you want to say "I just want you to be happy," take a second to think about what you are really saying. Do you mean it? Do you really just want your friend to be happy and you will be happy for her no matter what she does as long as it makes her happy? If you find yourself realizing that's not really what you mean, then do you best not to say that statement :) More often than not people just want support, not advice. And even more likely, when someone asks you a question, they already know the answer they are searching for.

Hope everyone is having a fantastic Wednesday!!

Wonderfully put.

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TTO over at ten thousand only wrote her last post today (really sad to say that because I loved reading her blog so much) and I thought it really hit the (wedding) nail on the head so I thought best to share. So here it goes: "weddings, no matter how you slice it and dice it, will tug at your heart strings and push your buttons. you're emotional because you're thinking about your families and what this shabang will mean for them, you're emotional because you're excited about the new family you're about to build, you're emotional because all of your besties are there to support you, you're emotional because there's a lot to do and you're kind of like just stressed the eff out, you're emotional because you find yourself walking that fine line between keeping everyone happy and being true to yourself...

...you're emotional because you're committing to f.o.r.e.v.e.r with that one amazing person...and want the wedding to be that kind of perfect...

it's just one day. but it's significant, you know?

so amidst the flurry, should things ever get a little hairy or overwhelming, take a step back and remember what it's all about. (hint: it's not about cake flavors or wedding dresses.) "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - maya angelou

i had to remind myself every now and then...what mattered to me, who mattered to me, and what the day itself meant to me. in the end, not everything made sense to everyone, but it absolutely made sense to me, to my husband, and to our loved ones."

Perfect, right?

Being true to you

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via ffffound

I have started this post about 5 times now, simply because I feel this is a very important topic.

A few days ago Meg over at A Practical Wedding posted a quote that I haven't been able to forget and think this is a perfect time to share it with you.

"What no one tells you when you're young, what no one seems to understand, is that the best thing you can ever do is find the person that makes you want to be the best you possible. The one person that does not complete you, but complements you. enhances you. makes you shine bright right next to them."

I spoke with my high school boyfriend today (after years) and was laughing that I still remember his cell phone number by heart. (I've always had a thing for numbers. I blame it on having to actually dial numbers before the age of cell phones and automatic or one touch dialing.) After getting off of the phone I was amazed to realize how different but similar we still are to the people we were over 10 years ago. We were such opposites so it was fun getting to hear how his life has evolved, who he's dating, what he's doing etc.

Coincidentally, I was talking to my sister tonight and we got on the topic of relationships and how each one teaches you something about yourself and gets you one step closer to the person who compliments you perfectly. I believe that 100 percent.

Before I met my husband I was in a relationship that wasn't bad, it just wasn't right. We were no where near perfect for each other, but we were comfortable and therefore we stayed together for longer than we probably should have. He was a nice guy, but deep in my heart I knew we weren't compatible. He talked about marriage and kids right away, and his view of marriage/ the relationship between a husband and a wife was fundamentally different than mine. But, of course, being young and in college we didn't really have to face "real life" right away. Instead, date nights and formals and parties filled in the times that if we had really talked heart to heart we probably would have learned we weren't right for each other and moved on. But as a firm believer in fate, I think that was all part of the overall plan for us both. It wasn't until he graduated and I was "on my own" that I realized I wasn't happy. I was on a career path I didn't love, headed for a marriage that I wasn't compatible for, and making plans for the kids I didn't want. It felt like I was living the life of someone else. Someone who was nothing like me.

And then I met J. and we instantly clicked. I tried to say it was only a great friendship, but there was a connection that I had never felt before. An understanding between us that I was beginning to think didn't really exist. When I realized that I was falling in love, I decided my life had to change.

I stopped listening to the advice of others. Stop listening to my head and made myself follow my heart.

I sat and thought about what I really wanted from life and decided it was time to be true to me and take charge of my life. I enrolled in more studio classes, changed my "after college" plans of grad school, and broke up with my then boyfriend. I went to stay with my sister for a week, and called J to ask him to come- as my date- to a party the very next day.

I took what I learned from my past and made sure to be very upfront in our relationship- making sure we understood each other, were completely honest and open and most importantly, that we were truly ourselves. No pretenses, no games. And it was, and continues to be the best decision I've ever made in my life. We're coming up to our first anniversary at the end of the month and I just wanted to share this story with everyone and hope it resonates with someone.

You have to be yourself to be happy. And your best self. Not the self that your parents want or your friends or a stereotype that you think is what you are supposed to be in order to be successful/happy/etc. And once you're happy being you, you'll find your match, your direction, and your purpose. You'll find what makes you shine in life.

Happy Thursday everyone! Thanks for letting me share!

Combining Traditions

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I got to see one of my good friends yesterday (and meet her beautiful new puppy) and had a blast talking and rearranging/styling bookshelves (I'm being 100% honest when I say I love that kind of stuff). Being mid November, the topic of celebrating the holidays with our families quickly came up.

Being newlyweds, this is the first time we've both actually had to decide "where to be" and"who to be with" for the holidays and it's kind of hard. We both have traditions with our parents and siblings that we want to continue, but at the same time we also really want to start our own traditions as well. Of course, we also want this without creating tension or hurt feelings.

And that is really really hard to do that.

Have any of y'all felt this way?

I know personally, J and I come from very close knit families and we both love each others families. Luckily for us, our families like each other as well so we don't have to worry about everyone coming together, but the issue for me lies in how do you honor your past traditions while still leaving room for new ones? And whose home town do you start those traditions?

Take this example. The day after Thanksgiving my family of 4 (read small and close) goes and picks up our Christmas tree. We then lug it in the door (and by we, I mean my dad and my sister. I'm more of the help Mom move stuff out of the way/ hold the door open kind of person :)) and then decorate it.

This is what we did every year for, well almost ever. But things change. First change, we always got our Christmas tree from the same place and now that place no longer exists. Second change, my sister and I have gotten older. She usually travels after Thanksgiving dinner since she actually can take a mini vacation from the firm and this past year- due to work- was the very first year I wasn't with my parents. I had to work the day before and the day after, so it wasn't really possible to drive to them and then back home in the same day, so instead I spent it with my aunt and uncle and two cousins who live like 30 minutes away. It was great to be with them, but weird to be without my parents and sister.

As for Christmas, J and I were in Costa Rica on our honeymoon so that in itself was different. Wonderful and relaxing, but we both thought it was a little strange to be next to a pool on Christmas day (still remember how excited my family was that we called. haha like we wouldn't call on Christmas...)

So now it is the first year that we are actually having to "mesh our family traditions."

Luckily this year hasn't really posed too many issues which is great, but it has brought up how difficult it will be when we move away after he graduates. His parents are retiring to Florida, my parents will still be in my hometown and our siblings will most likely both be in Atlanta. Combine that with the fact that J will have to work at least a 1/2 day on either Thanksgiving or Christmas (I mean, people still get sick on the holidays!) it is bound to be a little difficult to work out.

So how do y'all do it? What traditions have you kept? What about ones you've created?

Anyhow, now that I've brought on a "heavy thinking post" I'll wish everyone a happy weekend! I hope it is both beautiful and filled with joy! Happy Friday!!

"See you" Monday!