I Was Weird Because I Liked You

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Courtney Khail “I Was Weird Because I Liked You” Original painting, 18”x24”, watercolors, inks, and graphite on paper. Part of the 2022 Sugar & Vice Collection

Courtney Khail “I Was Weird Because I Liked You” Process Photo

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I Was Weird Because I Liked You

The doorbell rang while I was upstairs. I crept to the top of the stairs just in time to hear a strained “Can I help you?”

Holding your little sister you explained that your car had broken down

That you knew I lived close by so you walked over to use our phone.

At least that’s what I thought you said- it was difficult to hear from my perch.

(An important note to anyone born after 1995: at this time cell phones were still novelties. He was asking to use our landline.)

I think you’d been given a phone by the time I walked downstairs. Had I been called down or did I try to act like it was a coincidence that we were both somehow in my foyer on a Tuesday night?

The mood was strange- awkward and tense. Like you’d stumbled into a private party, unwelcome and uninvited. (I had worried my parents wouldn’t approve of you, but I didn’t imagine it would be that bad.)

I’m sorry I didn’t make it better. That I didn’t do something to make you feel more at ease. To make you feel like you belonged.

You’d think after all the imaginary conversations I’d played in my head that I would have worked out how to speak to a crush.

Last Day Of Play

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Courtney Khail “Last Day Of Play” Original painting, 18”x24”, watercolors, inks, and graphite on paper. Part of the 2022 Sugar & Vice Collection

Courtney Khail “Last Day Of Play” Sugar and Vice In Process photo

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Last Day of Play

For his tenth birthday, my friend Andrew had a slumber party.

Andrew and I had been friends for as long as I could remember. We went to Pre-K together, then elementary school- arranging our red and blue mats side by side for naptime and challenging each other to four square battles at recess. He was apparently my first kiss- outside our K-4 classroom back when kisses invoked nothing besides a fear of catching cooties. (I say apparently because neither of us could recall if it actually happened, or if it was just a repeated story told by our parents until it became accepted family folklore.) 

I was the only girl invited to the party, a guest list primarily made up of boys from our fourth grade class. We played tag, ate cake, and trampled in and out of his house on Johns Road. Around dinner time, my mom came to pick me up. The invitation for me to stay over was extended, but my mom declined. (In the car she ended any further discussion stating it wouldn’t be appropriate because I was a girl.)

Summer break started soon after and by the following school year I felt everything had changed. I was no longer “one of the boys,” dropped from the world of freeze tag and double dog dares right into the unfamiliar world of butterfly clips and glitter lip gloss. 

If I would have known that would be my real last day of play, I wouldn’t have let go so easily.

Stories People Tell

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Courtney Khail “Stories People Tell” Original painting, 18”x24”, watercolors, inks, and graphite on paper. Part of the 2022 Sugar & Vice Collection

Courtney Khail Sugar & Vice In Process photo

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Stories People Tell

My first sexual experience was the rumor you spread about me. First about a boy, then a teacher. Vile and malicious and calculated; hurtful for nothing but the sake of hurting.

I was only eleven years old.

Only eleven when I learned to distrust girlfriends. To build up walls, never to open up, to hide any vulnerabilities.

I was only eleven, but to this day I’m still haunted by the memory of how it feels walking into a room where you had just been the topic of conversation. The unnatural silence, the chill, the lack of eye contact.

While I may not have had the sex you claimed I did, I lost my innocence nonetheless.

Skorts, Shorts, and Mini Skirts

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Courtney Khail “Skorts, Shorts, and Mini Skirts” Original painting, 18”x24”, watercolors, inks, and graphite on paper. Part of the 2022 Sugar & Vice Collection

Courtney Khail- Sugar & Vice In Process Photo

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Skorts, Shorts, and Miniskirts

I was thirty years old when you suggested I might be too old to wear a mini skirt. (Note, I was wearing a mini skirt at the time of that comment.) A bigger person might have let that go, but for the next year I took extra care to ensure I was always wearing a mini skirt (or at least shorts) whenever I knew you would see me. Call it delayed teenage rebellion, but with each shortened hemline I protested years of frustration over hypocrisy.

Because no one told the boys to cross their legs;

To brush their hair or dress their age.

They didn’t stress that the boys be home by eleven,

Or taught them to walk with their keys between their fingers like Wolverine,

To check their backseat, or under the car. 

To always park by a light, but never by a van.

They didn’t tell the boys to behave

Or even to look away

Instead they made us cover up (as if our shoulders were some sort of moral kryptonite.)

They told us no one buys the cow when they can get the milk for free,

But never once told the boys not to expect free milk.

(Or better yet, that we weren’t cows.)

Instead y’all told us to behave

To bite our tongues and sit up straight.

To always smile, to never be late.

Said to be confident, but not too pushy

Be smart, but not intimidating

Be funny, but not too loud

Be sexy, but not a slut.

But I’m tired of the double standards. Of living in fear of being too much.

So I’ll wear the skirt or dye my hair. And speak my mind and do as I dare.

SUGAR & VICE INSPIRATION

I can’t recall a single interview where I have not been asked where I get my inspiration. "Everywhere" seems like a non-answer, but it is just that.

It comes from everywhere.

From what I read, from my relationships, from my life experiences, from the colors and shapes around me- even from my dreams. It comes from everywhere and builds with time.

To better explain, I thought I'd create a "visual peek inside my brain” to show some of the inspiration for my upcoming painting series “Sugar and Vice.”

Basically this is what it might look like if you could see some of my thoughts and inspirations all swirling around in there. (I often create these "boards" when creating a series in order to corral my thoughts and stay on point.)

BAPTISM (what inspired the series)

Before I share each piece, I wanted to give a little bit of backstory to the series.

I grew up in Augusta, Georgia- a large-ish city with a very small town feel that was built along the Savannah River. I went to festivals on its banks, took my senior portraits with it’s water at my back, and heard one of my first “I love you’s” while overlooking it. I grew up playing in it, bathing in it, and (thanks to it being Augusta’s water source) drinking it. And even though I no longer live in Augusta, the river is still a part of me, which I think it true for anyone who grows up around a body of nature- whether it’s a river, an ocean, or a mountain. It becomes a part of you and a part of your story. Although inanimate, it almost becomes personified in how it’s spoken of and how much of a role it plays in your history.

That idea- that this body of water had SUCH an impact on who I am today- ultimately inspired my entire BAPTISM Series. I started really reflecting on how different bodies of water shaped me- how my memories are interwoven with them and just how different of a person I would have been had I never had those experiences.

Tomorrow, BAPTISM goes live. Nine paintings inspired by nine bodies of water will get published, and accompanying each of them will be a story. Some are detailed, some are not. Some are long, others are short and sweet. I cannot 100% swear to that I correctly recalled brand names or dates or even exact locations- these stories are memories of course and memories fragment and blur with time- but I can swear to the emotions and feelings behind each story. Those are 100% true.

Thank you for allowing me to share my work with you, I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

New Paintings Launch TODAY (The Cotillion Series)

"The Cotillion Series," new original watercolor and ink paintings by Atlanta Artist Courtney Khail, launch TODAY

Original watercolor and ink paintings by Atlanta artist Courtney Khail

I am SO excited to share my newest works with you all. These have been a long time coming and each piece means so very much to me. I'll go more in depth about the specific pieces over the next few days, but until then, I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. 

Something I'm really stoked about? How large some of these are. over 3 feet by 3 feet. I wish you could see them in real life because they are pretty kick ass. 

And before I go celebrate (both the launch and St. Patrick's Day,) I wanted to thank each and every one of you for your encouragement and support. It means so much to me!

Art and Womanhood

"Claire de Lune" | watercolor painting by Courtney Khail

Art and Womanhood

It's been hard this past week to create. The country is harboring such a sense of sadness, fear, and hatred, that at times it can make painting seem trivial. And writing about painting? Even harder. I looked at this blank screen for what seemed like hours before deciding what I wanted to say. 

You may have never read my artist statement- what exactly my paintings represent (or at least what I strive to make them represent) but I think it's incredibly important to what I'm saying and how a lot of us are feeling right now, so I'll share it again:

"Influenced by my Southern upbringing, my work explores the complexities of femininity as expressed through nature.

Combining traditional subject matter with contemporary compositions and techniques, I strive to display a balance among dualities– creating paintings that are at once both delicate and fragile, while simultaneously brazen and bold.

From afar, my works appear to consist simply of vibrantly painted botanicals. Upon closer look though, their true depth is fully revealed. Utilizing dynamic linework, I encourage the viewer's gaze to slow – guiding them throughout the painting so they may fully experience the nuances and complexities that first impressions (both in art and in life) so often miss."

I was raised to be strong. Not a strong woman, just strong in general. Strong and good. (And by good, I mean that in the sense that I was to be kind, compassionate, and open minded. That my character mattered most, and that I was to always stand by my word. A very literal interpretation of "say what you mean and mean what you say.") I was taught to protect the weak, the disenfranchised, the misunderstood, and to listen closely to the words of others (for those words are what let you see into a person's heart. You can tell a lot about a person just by listening to what they "fill the silence with" so to speak.)

It wasn't until I was much older (and no longer living under my parents' roof) that I felt the weight of "womanhood" and the contradictory spectrum a lot of society would like women to reside within. (i.e. smart, but not too smart; witty, but not too witty, etc.) Instead of being defeated by those contradictions though, I celebrate them in my paintings. Women don't fit easily into a box (nor do I think we should.) We can be strong, opinionated, and smart, while still being nurturing, compassionate, and accommodating. As much as people may try to make women an "either/or," I think women are best at being an "and." Strong and compassionate. Smart and humble. Ambitious and fulfilled.  The "and" is why I try to keep my paintings from only being "one thing." They are bright, colorful, and modern, while still being soft, delicate, and calming. They're meant for you to reflect and explore. To really focus and notice the subtle color variations, the varying line work, and the abstraction of reality. They're meant to mirror each of us- complicated and pretty and messy and hard to describe in one word. But in the end, all of those dualities and contradictions combine into something that works- something truly beautiful. 

babies, sick puppies, weddings, and squeezing in some work

Such a pretty baby

It's been crazy this week- mostly because our good friends just had their third daughter and we were on "aunt and uncle" duty with their two oldest. Since their daughter was born mid week and they had to stay in the hospital for two nights, J. and I learned first hand just how hard it is to get two kids fed, clean, and dressed for school. Add in the fact that we only have one bathroom, our poor dog is sick and has to go outside every two hours throughout the night, for some weird reason the girls start school at two different times (who knew Colorado did half day kindergarten? Not me. I went to kindergarten all day!) and the final kicker- since they live in the 'burbs and we live in the city we had to leave 40 minutes early to make sure they got there on time- well to say we're exhausted is an understatement. I definitely called my mom the first day on the drive home to say "holy cow how did you do this?" as well as a huge "thank you." Perfect timing being right after Mother's Day and all.

All that said, I hope it doesn't come off as complaining. I'm actually in awe of all you moms out there. Two days had me ready to book a weekend at the spa, so way to go team! You gals deserve all the Mother's Day flowers and more!

Making a banner for their little sister

Now that everyone is home safe and sound (I bet the girls are happy not to be sharing a guest room anymore!) I'm finally getting back to finishing up (some of the) work that piled up over the week. It's amazing just how much I missed getting into my studio when I wasn't able to for a few days! But before I check out for the weekend, I wanted to send out a few congrats/well wishes today! My cousin Nick is getting married this Sunday back in Atlanta (so wish we could be there!!) and I know it's going to be amazing. He and his bride to be are absolutely perfect for each other and I couldn't be happier for them. In baby news, my friend Patrick and his lovely wife just welcomed their second son a little while ago, my childhood best friend and her husband Jimmy just had their first baby girl last month, and our good friends Lindsey and Stu are celebrating their youngest daughter's second birthday today! Congrats everyone!! We're so happy for y'all!

Working on a painting

And on those happy notes, hope you all have a wonderful weekend!! I'm sharing my sister's wedding invitations next week so make sure you pop back over and take a peek.

I really didn't mean to paint a stop light

This will be up on etsy soon- if you're interested before it goes up though, just let me know!

but... well that's kind of how it turned out.

And I love it. Reminds me of my dad saying "pink patty!" whenever we'd go through a yellow light.

Speaking of, I didn't realize that wasn't just something my family said until like 5th grade (my mom's name is Patty so my 4 year old mind just assumed it was a joke I didn't understand, and then, well I guess I stopped thinking about it.) Of course, I never admitted that to anyone because I realized just how silly it sounded. So of course, the logical thing to do is to tell the story over the internet. You know, since that is so much less public.

I'm also working on a painting that may or may not be turned into a tattoo (someone else's tattoo in case I just gave my parents a heart attack) and I am so pumped about it. It's also just a little bit of pressure though knowing someone may put this on their skin. For like ever (for eva eva?) Good thing I'm proud of it!

And just a reminder- my watercolor classes are live! If you haven't signed up yet, you still have time. Come join over 250 of us for an awesome (if I do say so myself) time at www.jeanneoliver.ning.com. Want to see what some people are creating? check out #creativelymadewatercolors on Instagram!

Cactus Painting on Designlovefest!

My cactus painting is on Designlovefest's Etsyfest round up today! (Make sure to head over to DLF to check out the other amazing goods featured.) A huge thank you to Stephanie and Bri for sharing my work! I'm thrilled you enjoy it.